powered by SignMyGuestbook.com
powered by SignMyGuestbook.com
|
be more than me
2003-07-21 - 8:34 p.m. I wrote in a recent entry that I had concerns that Fl@sh may be snooping where he has no business, i.e., right here. That�s why I don�t even have stats. Because I don�t want to be presented with the evidence of yet another betrayal by a friend. I don�t think I could handle another betrayal right now without going postal on someone�s ass. Really. People can be so shallow, such utter shits to one another, so out for themselves and the rest of the world be damned. As many times as I�ve gotten the short end of the stick I still don�t like to pass it on to others. I�m a big fan of the adage, �Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.� But he knows if I ever find him here that the friendship is ended, the sex is definitely ended, and for all practical purposes, so is his marriage, because I�ll lash out this time. I�ll personally give the damn URL to his wife and let her get the shock of her life. And that would be a terrible thing to do to someone who has always treated me very well. So I sure hope he hasn�t been plundering again. I�m a very different brand of Sc0rpio than his subservient wife, and he already knows this. I don�t know why I have these suspicions, but they�re there, and fairly strong. Not strong like when I saw him in my mind sitting there reading my diary, which was like looking in a wavy, old-fashioned mirror, but more than just twinges. I can�t really explain it. It�s like I have this sexual power over him. And vice versa to be honest. But there is none of the animal attraction I had with the Indian. That was mindblowing, and to be completely honest, I don�t want that anymore with anyone ever again. It�s like weathering some tragedy or climactic event or battering storm with somebody and developing the closest bond imaginable: you�re glad it�s over and you survived, glad you got to completely share something all the way, and in no fuckin hurry to repeat it in several lifetimes. But if I want Fl@sh here, I can get him here. Within reason. I probably could do a 3 a.m. call and get him out of bed with her on some ruse, but I�d never and he knows it. Friends don�t do that to friends. But he knows how badly it hurt me the first time when he invaded my privacy. So this would be especially egregious a second time. Listening to NIN Mr. Self Destruct. Going to feed the dogs. Linsey just left. I gave her the papers for her divorce and listened to her piss and moan about her decision and its ramifications, and I made all the appropriate noises and said all the trite-but-true things that get you through the shit, and I felt totally detached, almost as I I were watching some sort of orchestrated tableau. I felt like a fraudulent friend, like I�m not even me. And she was telling me what a great friend I was, yada yada yada, which made it all the more surreal. I think I will be glad when the sun leaves Cancer. On a related note, Miguelito is due in tonight. Mi hija told him in no uncertain terms that if he wants to see her, it�s sans Maria. And that if he�s just here with his girlfriend on vacation, there�s no need to stop at all. I was proud of her on that one! She is finally standing up to him after years of just accepting his leftover emotional crumbs. It�s on her terms or not at all. I think this will make her stronger to resist bad treatment by her ex-boyfriend and any other guys. It�s all about having a healthy parent-child relationship. If not, you spend the rest of your life recreating that dynamic in your relationships and trying to fix the problem over and over again. We are drawn to that which we do not have. It took me a long time to learn that, and I tried to pass it on to her at a tender age to avoid the prolonged pain. Basically, I told her (not in these words, of course) that her dad was a fuck-up (I think I called it damaged emotional goods) and that he did love her as best he could as one with that level of emotional damage could love another, and that while it might not be enough to meet her emotional needs, that it was all that he had in him. There is no doubt in my mind that he would take a bullet for her. There is also no doubt that he would fail to be around to protect her from that bullet too. He�s all about theory and never stuck around for the practice. I also told her that she had to learn to obtain her validation from herself, from no other human source. If the only person that makes you feel whole is gone forever, all of a sudden, you�re just a half. I think the ex-b/f breaking her heart as he did taught her that life�s lesson with exquisite anguish. She loves hard, like her mom. But I�m trying to teach her to love a little more wisely. �
still here - 2009-12-18
|