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The AA thang
2004-07-08 - 7:35 p.m. WifeMotherMe (sorry I can't link) asked a very good question in my Notes. She asked if I'd ever tried the AA thing. I haven't. The reasons are many. I'm not a joiner, and I hate commitments. the idea of going to meetings all of the time turns me off. Believe it or not, for someone who has an online diary, I'm pretty shy and would die if ppl IRL knew all of my secrets. I could never get up in front of a group of ppl and talk freely about my problems and my addiction. I can't even get up in front of ppl and talk freely about anything. I'd rather take a beating than do public speaking, and speaking publicly about private things would be torture. And to top it off, I really don't want to quit drinking. I rarely do any drugs but pot anymore. If I'm with Celynne and she has meth, I'll do some on occasion, but not often. I know how bad it is for you, and while I'm self-destructive, I don't have a death wish. There is a distinction. But I like to drink my beer and smoke my weed, just chill out and get all mellow. I'm not a mean or ugly drunk, and I never get falling down drunk where ppl have to take care of me. I don't pass out or act rude or start crying and call ppl at 3 in the morning. I just get me a little buzz going, laugh a lot and feel relaxed. Of my friends, I'm the one who winds up driving everyone home. Me or Linsey. I know that I have to quit drinking, and I need to do it yesterday. I don't know if i can or not. I don't want to, so I haven't tried. But while I realize AA has been a lifeline for so many ppl, I don't think it would work for me. Maybe I just wouldn't let it work. Anything I have to do all of the time on a regular basis, I hate. I was on a darts team for a few seasons, and it bugged me having to be somewhere every Weds. night! And all I had to do for that was show up at a designated bar and throw darts at a board! I decided not to do pet therapy with my dogs because I wasn't willing to commit to spending each Saturday morning at the hospital. I'm pretty pathological when it comes to commitments. For instance, there's the meat thing. Most ppl can wake up in the morning, take some frozen cut of meat out of their freezer and defrost it in the frige for supper that night. You can't imagine how much meat I've wasted or fixed for the dogs over the years because I had changed my mind about my dinner plans and never got around to cooking the damn meat. Ppl tease me about that, but I'm bad that way. I dunno. I got to work this through on my own. I can't keep fucking up indefinitely. I hate to say this, but it would help if I got sicker. Of course i don't want to get sicker, but if i had physical consequences related to my drinking, I would be more likely to quit. Y'all, it's not easy being me. �
still here - 2009-12-18
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