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zz t0p & ted
2003-06-19 - 8:02 p.m. I�m sick with some damn upper respiratory bug. Hope it�s not S@RS. That�s a joke (I think). Ooooh, �R@zor Love� by Neil Y0ung is playing. That song, like so many of Neil�s, reminds me of my last relationship with D. �It�s a r@zor l0ve that cuts right through.� Yes, it did cut me through, but I�m healing. Mostly I try not to think about all of the buried pain. It�s mine, I earned it and I own it. But I choose not to let it rent space in my head. I�m controlling the pain, not vice versa. Oddly enough, it was D that taught me to manage my pain, break it down to manageable increments that I was able to tolerate. Of course, then he courteously provided me with a huge dollop of pain to endure. He didn�t know just how strong I really was. He is so weak compared to me. He always runs away. I�m learning to face it and beat it down. I�m learning every day. Last night was Nugen+ and ZZ T0p w/ Fl@sh. Excellent show. We were late for Nugen+. This is a fact of life for Fl@sh, and to my credit, I didn�t even mention it. We had mind-melting sex before and after the show, and I sucked his dick on the ride home. No, we didn�t end up in the canal! I wouldn�t bring him to 0rgasm, just get him hot-hot-hot. We had stopped by the lakefront and smoked a j, talked about how not much had changed since we were teens, going to concerts and smoking dope on the lakefront after the show. It was a good evening. We had one serious discussion. He passed some flip remark about what somebody meant to him. It wasn�t about me; it was about some girl we both knew that he had fucked a long time ago. So I jumped in and said, �So what am I to you?� And he said that I was his really good friend with whom he had really good sex, and whom he always wanted in his life. I think he thought that would upset me, but it didn�t at all. I told him the same, that I loved him, but not in an �in love� kind of way, that what we had wasn�t relationship material, that I would kill him over cheating if we were together, and he�d be dead and I�d be in jail. He laughed at that, but it�s true. I told him that the only problem I had with our situation is that the sheer intensity of the sex (and it is wickedly intense sex) makes it a little hard to dissociate my feelings. It�s like my heart says that anything that brings me so close to someone in a physical way should touch me also emotionally. So I intentionally try to shut down that side of me. I don�t kiss him; we hug, but it�s brief and friendly. We don�t hold hands or other touchy-feely things. I told him that if I appear cold sometimes, that�s why. He understands that it�s a coping mechanism. We really do have a strong friendship. He makes a good friend, but lacks the qualities I need in a mate. As I�m sure I do for him. In particular, I lack the ability to look the other way while he fucks around. �
still here - 2009-12-18
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