Another shot of Security please! Make it a double!

2005-12-20 - 8:21 a.m.

Going back to the warehouse for more donations today. The ppl at the local homeless shelter were soooo happy to get the boxes and bags of donated clothing, toiletries, toys, etc. They seemed so amazed that I came back with more stuff this week too. I said, "I told y'all I'd be back before Christmas," and one guy said, "People always are saying stuff, but hardly nobody does it." It made me want to cry, y'all. The homeless are already so disenfranchised anyway, and it seems so needlessly cruel to promise them something then fail to follow through. It made me feel really good inside to be able to help in such a small way.

Jared is working now. He had a job at the local country club, then got another at a landscaping company for a dollar an hour more. Harder work but a chance for promotion and benefits. I'm trying not to be so prickly around him. The other night he slept by himself in the single bed in the room I designated for him (because my room has way too much shit to accommodate another person's clothes, etc.), and it set off all my rampant insecurities:
was he using me? did he not want to sleep with me anymore? was he pulling away because he no longer liked being with me? It freaked me out so much that I withdrew into my shell and shut down all my emotions (again). Even worse, I slept with Flash at lunchtime just to prove that I'm still desirable to somebody. And because I was horny. But even though I was horny, if Jared had slept in my bed the night before, I wouldn't have gone there. So now I got guilt going on on top of insecurity.

These are my own problems and really have nothing to do with him. He may feel all of the above, or none of the above, or a combination thereof, but the underlying problem is my response to it all. I don't even know if I want him or not, yet I get panicked thinking that he might not want me. Am I that egotistical and shallow? I didn't think I was, but the past few days have really made me question my own motives and feelings about the matter. I just want a chance at happiness and peace of mind before my time here is done. I want to sleep beside the man I love, secure in the knowledge that he loves me and me only. I don't have that now, and it's been years since I did. I was ok without it, but I don't want to reach for it and have it snatched away, either.

Is there a pill I could take for insecurity? Something I could mainline? I am such an idiot. WTF is up with that?

�

previous - next

still here - 2009-12-18
and so it goes - 2008-12-16
Watch out Benedict! - 2008-01-28
She got hit with the cancer stick - 2008-01-26
The Cure, Amy & Britney & Dogshit - 2008-01-05