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Not quite able to walk away this time
2005-02-13 - 6:06 p.m. I know that I should stop answering the Indian's letters. There is really no good place for this to end for me. Any possible scenario will wind up hurting me. But I can't seem to stop reaching out to him. Nothing I write could be construed as lovey-dovey in any way, and although he teased me and asked me to think of him during solo sex, I said that I wouldn't. But there is some self-destructive side of me that says go ahead, go there again with him, through the fire one more time. Part of is that we are both sick, so who the hell else will ever want us? But it's more than that; he's just really the one I felt the most comfortable with in my life. I just can't handle the craziness, the iresponsibility, the drugs and the whole junkified scene that comes with them. I was always the weekend warrior type, while he was full-tilt boogie into whatever it was he did. I used more with him just to stay on the same planet as he. When I was 19, 20, 21, I tried to be his equal on every level. He had 11 years on me and oh so many miles. Lots of hard living. And I tried to match him drink for drink, pill for pill. We see where that got me. Why do I lack the fortitude to walk away forever? It's not like I'm wallowing in loneliness, although being single on Valentine's Day is its own special hell. The Hallmark mentality makes you feel as if you are a freak with a tail or something if you aren't paired two by two on this certain day. So, it's acute right now, but subsides readily after that. I actually enjoy my solitude, prefer living alone than sharing space with another. Except for my daughter, of course. But that's different. I just wish that he would remain straight and do the right thing, even while I realize there is something lacking in him, some awesome, gaping chasm, that prevents him from ever doing so. None of it is a reflection on me or anything that we shared. I could be Demi Fucking M00re, and he'd still fuck up any relationship with her, too. It's how he's wired. And I'm not much better, which only makes it the more dangerous for me. �
still here - 2009-12-18
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