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thinking way too much
2003-07-21 - 10:34 a.m. In the past 2 years, I have become very introspective and spent a great deal of time in self-reflection. The reasons for that are varied: the break-up with the Indian and its effect on me; my return to school and the reflective analysis that accompanies higher education; the approach of my 40th birthday and the ramifications of that; an ongoing desire to become more spiritually integrated. I�m also trying to fix me. Whatever�s broken, I want it fixed, dammit. I can�t afford quality therapy and the free services around here suck ass. I worked in health care; trust me, I�m aware how the systems are rigged so it�s a cattle call for federal dollars and a clearinghouse for psychotropic drugs, the only drugs in the world I will never, ever take. I didn�t mean to imply that the old doc I worked for is on the take. By no means. He gives away his services wherever there is need. His whore problem is his fatal flaw. And there are dope whores everywhere in this lil ol southern town. There�s one family that comes in there and is 3 generations of addicts and dope hos. All the doc can write is S0ma. And they�ll beat each other to death right next door in the pharmacy over dope debts and owing each other pills. Over fuckin s0ma. I�ve given away bottles of that shit in the past. Jeesh. But I digress. (I have the tendency of relying too heavily on the ellipsis, my cre@tive writing teacher told me. I just tried to do that above. I do love me my three lil dots!) Anyway, I hope that all this introspection has got me somewhere. I know I drink too much. On occasion, I eat too many S0ma. But it�s still within bounds. The fact that I�m aware is a good thang. Means I�m keeping tabs on myself. But the drinking is too much. I still smoke the shit out of pot and will continue up till the time of empl0yment dr*g testing. Gotta slack on the drinking. That�s hard for me. Not going to damn meetings. No uh-uh. Since the Indian is getting out of rehab, I can see running into him at a meeting. Don�t think so. Well, it�s summer. I always drink more in summer. In my dream last night I was drinking Skyy and tonic with a twist of lime. Never drunk that before, but I could taste how good it tasted in my dream. Does that make sense? Actually, I think it was kind of scary. And you know that now I have to order one to see if it tastes the same. I never mentioned this because I think it�ll wind up being another train wreck, but mi hija�s dad is coming down. What can I call him? Miguelito will work, because it�s not. He�s bringing a �Maria� with him. They are staying in a hotel either here or in N-0. Not here as in mi casa, no. He is such a fuck-up that I know there will be mucho problemas, but what can I do? He�s her papa, as she calls him. And all that entails... (couldn�t help it) I am mad at the C00nass. Maybe mad enough for good. Ever since the incident in l@s veg@s where he called me from the bathroom and said he was getting married there has been strain in our friendship. My position on that is if you are truly my friend and love me like you say that you do, you will never knowingly inflict emotional pain on me. Being honest and not lying doesn�t mean asking me to give you good reasons not to marry Goldilocks! There�s a fuckin gr@nd c@nyon between the two, if you ask me. So I am left to think that he did it to be mean or just out of a need to reach out and fuck with me, neither of which is pleasant. In (mild) retaliation, I have been needling him to introduce G0ldilocks to me, being that he�s still my good friend and all despite his hurtful actions in veg@s, and he obvisously thinks enough of her to ponder marriage. So he finally invited me down to the gulf c0ast this wknd to go out on their (her) boat. Then he calls back and disinvites me, blaming G0ldil0cks. So either he�s up to something and is lying to one or the other about something (the proposed wedding in lv perhaps?) or he has gotten himself involved with another insecure bimb0 who is going to try to run his life. I went thru this for years when he was with j0y, speaking of trainwrecks. And he wonders why I can�t trust him with my heart! Men are so fuckin dumb. The whole Fl@sh thing is just sex. I could never be with him. He has no emotional depth and is very self-centered. Scratch the surface and perforate the facade, you are left with little of substance. He isn�t spiritual at all. He�s intelligent, especially technically. Not in the sense of being well-read. He�s incredibly talented, very creative with a lens. But his emotions are either so far hidden or virtually non-existent other than as pleasure-seeking devices. That sounded cold. So I guess if he went snooping again he just got his feelings hurt. You know what they say about curiosity. That�s all I got to say about that. �
still here - 2009-12-18
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