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mind ramblings
2003-06-21 - 9:21 p.m. Well I worked for 6 hrs today. I got there in a blinding rainstorm, cars pulled over on the interstate, lightning bolts and crashing thunder, ark-building rain, and...not a freakin place to park for blocks. I pulled down the street and got stoned in the truck a 1/2 block from the p0lice station and waited the monsoon out. I knew even if the cops actually saw me and knew what I was smoking, there was no f'n way they'd be out there in all of that mess. Not the cops in Alligator, anyway. I don't write in here as often as I wrote in my old diary b/c I just don't have faith that it can remain undetected. Fl@sh finding and perusing it like he did really destroyed my illusion of anonymity re the whole dland thang. I try to be more circumspect in this one, never using real names or identifying our locale with landmarks, etc. For all I know, he wasn't the only one. He's the only one I caught, however. I can't count the C00nass. I gave him access so I could hide behind more walls, under the guise of total honesty. When he got too close to me, I told him about dland and my site so he could read about my feelings for D and my hot sex w/ Fl@sh and would back off. He was right. I'm chickenshit. He didn't marry Goldilocks. She wanted to, it was she who set up the trip to Vegas. It was for this karate exhibition she was in, but she paid for the room. Not his flight and all the extras, but the room was on her. She wanted him to agree to get married. But he told her that with his finances tied so closely with his family's corporate ownings and his trust, he needed a pre-nup, and so did she. She's not wealthy like him, but she's not poor like me, either. Her ex left her a big chunk in the divorce. He's some 3rd degree black belt in karate. That's how she got into it. She could kick my ass, I'm sure. The C00nass's too, because he's not a big fighter. He'll kill you dead with his gun, though, if you're stupid enough to ever go there. That's just how it is in the South. Everybody's packing down here. Not me though. Not anymore. I used to have a little hot .32, then a .25 that got stolen and held on me during an attempted attack inside my apt when this peeping tom broke in and stole my money and would have done far worse had my neighbor not left his pot at my house and decided at 3 a.m. to come and get it. Marijuana saved my ass from rape that night. And then I had a sawed off shotgun, but I almost killed my neighbor one night when he tried to climb in through my window when he was drunk. I had mi hija then, she was about a yr or so, her dad was in the city, and I'd moved back with her to the country. This guy I knew moved across the street. He was a real dork, but I knew him from school and an ex-bf, so I tried to be nice. No one would sell him pot b/c he was so much of a dork, but he was a big stoner, so I'd score for him. Actually, then I was slinging the stuff myself, so I just hooked him up. I could tell that he wanted more, but I'd always been firm with him about that. There was no way. Why he came in thru my window was never made really clear. But I slammed the business end of that sawed-off in his face and he heard that noise, the one you never forget, and he pissed his pants. I saw it was him, and I freaked out. I didn't want to kill Jerry. I wasn't scared of Jerry. I could handle him without firearms. I threw the gun in the bayou the next day. It just scared me way too much, what I thought that I could do. I thought I wrote this but I think I wrote it in my paper journal. My ex, D, was panhandling on the exit ramp off the interstate by the Mall with a sign that said, "Need help." Mi hija saw him and called and told me. I hate to admit it, but I drove by. He hurt me so very badly, even a year after the break-up when he saw me out in a bar in the swamp and kept trying to talk to me. I told him that he owed me an apology and I had nothing to say until I got one. That turned into whaat he had to apologize for, i.e., using me, lying about me, trying to get me fired, telling people absolutely horrible and untrue things about me, blaming me for his addiction. Then I asked him how he could have hurt me so badly, done what he did to me. His answer was, "Because I could." That was a new low point for me, "Because I could." And that's why I rode by to humiliate him. Because I could. He started laughing sheepishly when he saw me. I caught the redlight. I looked at the "NEED HELP" sign and had to laugh at the freakin irony. And right before the light changed, I said, "You wouldn't know help if it jumped up and bitchslapped you." His face changed and he motioned for me to go on. As soon as the light changed, I drove off. Because I could. I felt sad and empty. Like I'd seen my own ghost. �
still here - 2009-12-18
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