pulling away

2003-02-27 - 9:38 a.m.

Good morning. Mr. Rogers is dead. That's not a good thang. I'm 39 yrs old, and I remember watching him as a kid. He was always so calm and reassuring. I guess I thought he'd always be around.

I only have my poetry class today. But I have to study for a Brit Lit test and there are 2 parades in town. I'm going with Ernie. He and Linsey are split up. It's not a date; he needs friends around to support and distract. I do both well.

I'm hoping that Flash can sneak away and fuck my brains out again today. We had a short tryst yesterday afternoon, and the day before that I gave him a bj because I was on my period (tmi? nah!) and he made me cum once through my panties while I was standing by the door hugging him goodbye. He actually left and came back to do that because he said he couldn't leave without getting me off at least one time. It was appreciated!

I told him that the intensity of the sex between us has made me feel towards him like I don't want to feel, so I'm pulling back emotionally. It's not an "in love" feeling, but it's more intense than I'm comfortable with in his situation. I no longer hug him back, and after sex, don't lay there caressing him or get comfortable beside him and fall asleep. We never did that, and then we did, the whole sex thing just got turned up a bunch of degrees in the last 3 weeks, ignited by all the passion and anger and emotions. But it's not a safe place for me. Just the sex is safe. Not safe-sex. I mean, I always have safe sex. But sex-only is safe; not all the affection and emotion I associate with relationships. It was starting to affect me and it scared the fuck out of me. So I sent him an e-mail and told him what the deal was and that I was pulling away and why. And I told him not to dare hurt me with lies or manipulations through sex. I see no reason to quit the sex. But all the rest, it's gone. You can have my body but you cannot touch my heart. Not wearing that gold band for sure, and maybe not ever, anybody else. I'm damaged goods, but I don't want to get more broken.

�

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still here - 2009-12-18
and so it goes - 2008-12-16
Watch out Benedict! - 2008-01-28
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