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Plea
2004-10-25 - 12:17 a.m. Today is my birthday. I just returned from the ER, having been diagnosed with a massive ear infection and given L0rtab 7.5 and Septr@. Mi hija and I have been going round and round about her non-attendance at school, and she has moved out and into the apt. of a friend who is also a rebel and frequent truant from school. I was so depressed by her moving out that I took to my bed for 3 days. Every time I woke up, I took 2 more ben@dryl and knocked myself out again. I did shower, tho. It was a good place to cry, as it muffled the sound of me sobbing. I have made parenting mistakes, Lord knows. I freely admit that. But I think that I have genuinely tried to be the best mother I could be to her, knowing that I was pulling double duty on the whole parenting gig. My kid is angry. She just got fired from the local pancake emporium for mouthing off to her Asst. Mgr. I hope and pray that she will enter counseling to learn ways in which to constructively channel her anger. She has a right to feel as she does, but I won't allow her to be defiant and hateful to me, and it kills me to see her act so self-destructively. It's the mirror image of me at her age. I love my girl and believe that deep down, she loves me. We are both stubborn, but I will overlook a lot if she will just come home. It can't be that bad here; I have all these extra ppl living here and making it work. My only requirement is that she goes to school and sleeps here overnight at least Sun - Thurs nights. And she can't abide by those two rules? WTF is the real issue here? I'm sorry I got sick. I didn't intend it, and thought I was careful, but obviously, I wasn't always careful enough. If I could change it, I damn sure would. Given another choice to know about the hep c or not, I'd choose not to in a hot minute. It's heavy for me bearing this burden; I'm sure that it crushes her. Baby, I'm sorry that I screwed up. Please, please forgive me and make our peace so that whatever time remains will be good times. That way once I am gone, you will have good memories to sustain you during hard times. You won't have all the regret for not trying harder to meet me halfway. Please listen. Go to counseling. I'll go with you or to a separate counselor. I will do anything to make this right. I would kill for you. I would die for you. Please understand that I'm so very, very sorry for putting you through this pain and reawakening all your abandonment issues. Please come see me today and give me a birthday hug. I'm begging you. Please. �
still here - 2009-12-18
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