powered by SignMyGuestbook.com

Site Meter
Get your ow
n diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries newest entry

Shana got a new toy

2005-05-02 - 9:33 a.m.

Well, my weekend was mostly OK. I went out to eat w/ Ge0rge. We went to a seafood restaurant on the L@kefront, and it was decent. I've had better, and the waiter was a chump, but what the hell. Then we drove to where he keeps his 18-wheeler b/c he was giving me a road Atlas for my trip up north. By the time we got back to my house, it was late and he wanted to get frisky, and I was like, "No!" I was tired and had no desire to wrestle around with him on the couch when I had no intention of fucking him then or ever. I think I was a little bit of a bitch, but I'm not into playing those games. Finally, he left.

Saturday was rainy and cold. I spent it at home cleaning my house. Flash came by and we started to play. He was determined to make sure that he got me off many, many times, because he knew that Linsey and I had gone to a F.U.N. party and I had ordered a s*x tOy. He went down on me like forever, then said, "Let's see some pe@rl r@bbit do that!" I had to giggle. Competing with a sex toy! Men are so silly . . . We had one bad moment when the condom came off sort of half in me when we were done, but I think it'll be ok. It wasn't a bad time of the month. So I slept like a baby Saturday night.

I got a letter from the Indian Saturday, too. I answered him, and I said everything that was on my mind and in my heart. I held nothing back. The letter will probably make him cry. I know that I cried when I wrote it. I wanted him to understand exactly how I felt, about everything. I may regret being so honest with him, but I don't think so. I want to live a life free of deception and bullshit. I want to be clarified and real. The saddest part of the letter was my telling him how much it had cost me on a personal level to acknowledge the death of my dream of he and I living a life together, the emotional carnage having made me isolate myself and shut off my heart to anyone who tries to get close. I told him that it had been a high price to pay for loving him more than good sense allows. I reiterated that I would never give him that kind of access to me again. I want to make sure he understands that he has forfeited his right to that role in my life forever. He has to understand so that when he gets out there is no question about it. I need to understand that, too.

I've been talking frequently with my friend Jared in 0hio, who recently learned he, too, has hep c. I bought us both some milk thistle supplement, and got him a book re hep c and mailed the package to him this a.m. He's a nice guy, been a good friend of mine for over 20 years. This is just another bond that we share. It does help talking with others who are going through the same thing.

Oh, and my s*x t0y came in yesterday, and I went and picked it up, and damn, it works just fine! I guess it will keeep Flash on his game.

So, basically, that was my weekend.

previous - next

still here - 2009-12-18
and so it goes - 2008-12-16
Watch out Benedict! - 2008-01-28
She got hit with the cancer stick - 2008-01-26
The Cure, Amy & Britney & Dogshit - 2008-01-05

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!