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don't even wanna go there, no
2003-05-22 - 11:27 p.m. I�m tripping hard right now. I don�t even know what I feel, just that I feel it with exquisite intensity. I�m sweating and my heart is pounding. And no, it�s not from pharmaceutical enhancement. My coonass lover just called my cel from a men�s room in a casino in Vegas to tell me that he and his lover I�ll call Goldilocks are there and that they are getting married! By an Elvis impersonator, no less. Jesus Horatio Christ! Further proof that all the money in the world cannot guarantee good taste. But I�m freaking out. He asked me what he should do. Imagine that. A lover of mine asking for advice on his love life with another. It took every ounce of Scorpio in me to tell him that he should do whatever will bring him happiness and cause no other pain. Because that is the truth. And then he asked me if by �no other,� was I including myself? And I wanted to cry. I had tears running down my cheeks, but my voice was controlled, even, neutral. He didn�t know. I said that because I would always love him (and I will), I hoped only for his happiness and that I was strong enough to handle anything. He said that he�s not sure that he can go through with it. I asked him why was he intending to do something so serious if he wasn�t absolutely certain? He said that he was tired of waiting for things to change and people to grow up. He meant me. And Joy. His ex with more shit than a little bit. I didn�t take the bait. There was no way I was going there, no matter what the cost. He was basically trying to bait me into saying, �Don�t marry her. I love you. Marry me.� And I love him a lot. But I don�t love him in the way that I would have to love somebody before ever marrying them. So I just got real quiet. He thought that I�d hung up. He said that he wanted me to be there for him, no matter what. That pissed me off! WTF is that supposed to mean?! �Be there� for him?� To suck his dick? To talk to in the men�s room when Goldilocks is making him do something he suspects is another really bad idea? To be shelter from the storms he creates in his life? Nope. Gotta pass on that wish fulfillment. I am�not gonna be there. If he does it, if he goes through with it and marries her in front of some gd Elvi$ impers0nator, I�m not going to be the other woman or partner in crime or best-friend-with-benefits. Because I got to keep it real even if he still got to play another game. That�s just the way I�m wired. �
still here - 2009-12-18
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