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dilemma

2004-06-07 - 5:45 p.m.

Last week I had a liver biopsy to determine whether or not the hepatitis c has progressed? deteriorated? to cirrhosis or liver cancer. I don�t yet have the results; the only thing I know is that when they took the 2 samples (I was awake during the process), and I asked the radiologist how it looked, he said it looked a little pale, which is not good. So I am trying to set myself up for the worst and hopefully I�ll be pleasantly surprised with some good news, but most likely I won�t be.

The whole purpose of the biopsy (for me) is to assess the progression of the disease so I can decide whether or not I want to begin interferon treatments, which are grueling, almost like chemo but you don�t lose your hair. The side effects are primarily neuro-psychiatric (fuckin great). I�m leaning toward not getting treated, as it is successful in only a small percentage of patients. Of course, I could no longer drink and probably couldn�t work for a year. I really don�t want to do it.

Mi hija wants me to do it, but doesn�t ever want to spend time with me now, so I can imagine how little she�d be around me if I�m sick and cranky. For me, it�s really a quality of life issue: do I want to be around for 20 or 30 years if I can�t have any fun and feel like shit, or do I want to continue to do as I�m doing for the next few years and make a lovely corpse? I feel ok now; complications haven�t begun, although I do get tired much more often and a lot easier. I just thought it was b/c I was 40 now.

I�m not in a relationship, so it would be going it alone emotionally. Flash and I are still lovers even though I have hep c. Of course I told him as soon as I knew, and I expected him to end it, but he chose not to. We�ve always been super careful about safe sex; I�m the freakin Rubber Queen! I wouldn�t have blamed him or resented it if he had chosen to end it, but I would have missed the sex. I try to refrain from calling him for sex so as not to become too dependent on him. He almost always initiates it now. It used to be about 50-50; now it�s more 90-10. Since I�ve been diagnosed, I�ve really withdrawn from a lot of relationships and ppl in general. I see know reason to forge closer ties if I won�t be around to maintain them. Also it�s easier not having to talk about it all the time to ppl who ask questions. I�ll answer anything anyone asks me if I know the answer, but thinking about it and the end result (my death) is uncomfortable as hell.

There�s still so much that I haven�t done that I want to do. I hope I have a little time at least. Say 10 years minimum. I ought to at least have 10 years. I hope so anyway.

On a happier note, I had a critical analysis of a poem published in a literary journal. My professor submitted it. I would tell you the poem and author, but he�s from my hometown and it�s about my hometown and my identity could possibly be discerned in that way. And y�all know how paranoid I am about that after the debacle last year . . .

previous - next

still here - 2009-12-18
and so it goes - 2008-12-16
Watch out Benedict! - 2008-01-28
She got hit with the cancer stick - 2008-01-26
The Cure, Amy & Britney & Dogshit - 2008-01-05

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