Can you smell the chaos?

2004-08-16 - 12:37 p.m.

I once again have chaos swirling around me in my house. Queenie and her 4-yr-old daughter Gabby and a 17-yr-old girl I'll call Dina who is the daughter of one of Queenie's friends are temporarily staying with me while Queenie is *cough* between living situations. A friend of mi hija's I'll call Brandon, because I don't, is also staying here with us so that he can finish out his senior year. And mi hija and her boyfriend. We set up Queenie's computer so I have the 'net here temporarily. All the bedrooms are full for a change. I don't really mind; it's just that I treasure my privacy and my stolen moments in bed with Flash. Mi hija is working at the new pancake palace almost every day after school, but I still never know who will be home when.

Gypsy sent me a hateful e-mail after apparently learning that Queenie and i had taken a trip out of the country without her knowledge and / or permission. The following is my response:

I was too angry last night to really respond to your e-card, so I waited until today when I am calmer. I�d like to address each point that you made:

�and you've done well hope you had a wonderful trip out of the

country, and thanks for being such a wonderful friend ..two peas in a

pod you are,did they teach you to lie in your college lifetime or is

it natural to hurt people for you? guess so ..�

As far as my doing well, if you mean academically, yes I did. I worked very hard these last couple of years to make A�s and B�s too offset some very poor grades I earned as an undergrad in the �80�s. I have heavy debts as student loans, but I feel that it was worth the investment. If you mean �doing well� financially, that�s laughable. I�m not even taking in $100 a week, and anyone knows you can�t live on that. I�m sending out resumes daily, but so far, no luck. It�s been very stressful for me, actually.

You imply that I lied to you. Bullshit. I never lied to you and you know it. What, exactly, was the lie? I�d be interested in knowing.

Regarding any trips I take, I now need to clear my itinerary with you first? Since when? Why? How does where I go involve you? I�m at a loss to understand your anger on this point. If you�re angry because you couldn�t go with me because you have cancer, you wouldn�t go with me anyway because of (her boyfriend). If you recall, we (you & I) had plans two Easters ago to go to the beach in Galveston and stop and see your kids, but as soon as you got with (her boyfriend), those plans came to a screeching halt. Did I try to put some guilt trip on you for breaking plans with me? Indeed I didn�t. This is the first time I mentioned it, and only now because of your hateful e-mail. When you changed plans, I simply made others with other friends and was glad that you had found happiness with a decent man. If the opportunity comes for me to take a trip, why should I have to worry about your finding out and being ugly about it? Yet I do, and it makes utterly no sense.

I�m sure you were sarcastic when you thanked me for being �such a wonderful friend,� but I�m interested in learning just what a being a wonderful friend means to you. I have opened my home to you on more than one occasion, not just to you but to both of your boyfriends and your rottweiller. You had a key to my home. When you didn�t like staying in the little room in the main part of the house, I went out and bought you a king size bed and cleared the junk out of the room you wanted to stay in. I tried to give you your space. I never asked you for a cent towards any bills. I was trying to help you get back on your feet and give you some security so you didn�t feel that you had to run off with some guy just to have a roof over your head. If I had pot or soma, I shared it with you. When you left all that stuff on the houseboat, I went down and got all of it for you because I know how much it meant to you to have pictures of your kids, etc. You are my friend, and I wanted to do those things because I love you.

The last few months, when we talk, or when I get e-mail from you, I feel as if you are putting me through some sort of �friend test,� and that I�ve failed. I don�t like feeling that way. I can�t see where I�ve done you any wrong, (Gypsy). I asked (Flash) to drives miles out of his way when we were in TX to see you, and I would�ve stayed the night with you if you hadn�t gone to Lake Charles. I have tried to be your friend, be supportive of you and what you�re going through.

The whole time I�m trying to be your good friend, I�m dealing with the knowledge that I, too, have a fatal disease. It�s not just hep c anymore; it�s progressed into cirrhosis. I�m trying to come to terms with what that means as far as life as I know it coming to an end. I have my own issues and fears. There�s a lot that I wanted to do that it doesn�t look like I�m going to get to do. It�s scary, and it hurts. If I choose to travel when I still am well enough to withstand the rigors, who the hell are you to try to make me feel guilty? It ain�t happening, honey.

The final issue is that you are resentful of my friendship with your sister. For some reason, that threatens you. It shouldn�t; it certainly doesn�t lessen the love in my heart for you. (Queenie) loves you. You have your differences, but unlike you, she hasn�t put a price tag on the love. I don�t owe you any money, and I didn�t lie to you. Why are you trying to drag me into y�all�s squabbles? I hate that. I tried to make peace between y�all in December, and I thought y�all worked out your differences. (Queenie) and I are friends, too, (Gypsy). She has good and bad qualities just like everybody else. Me, you, everybody. She�s not the devil and you the angel. I shouldn�t be put in the position of choosing between the two of you, and I won�t. if a choice is made, it will be by you.

If you don�t want to be my friend anymore, it�s on you. I still love you just the same. I�m sorry that the bitterness and the anger that�s inside of you is eating you up worse than the cancer ever could. You must be miserable inside your own skin to lash out at those who love you most. You must be really scared, and I guess the anger is the only thing that keeps the fear at bay. So I forgive you, and I still love you and will continue to pray for your recovery. I hope that you can work through your anger and come to terms with whatever the future brings. I am here for you if you want me.

Love,

Shana

I don't know if it will help or hurt the situation, but she hurt me deeply with her spitefulness and anger, lashing out like she did, has been doing. There's only so much shit I'll eat from anyone, cancer patient or not. Queenie says she walked on eggshells all of her life with Gypsy over shit like that. I dunno, me.

�

previous - next

still here - 2009-12-18
and so it goes - 2008-12-16
Watch out Benedict! - 2008-01-28
She got hit with the cancer stick - 2008-01-26
The Cure, Amy & Britney & Dogshit - 2008-01-05