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Broke at Christmas
2004-12-18 - 1:07 p.m. Gawd, I hate Christmas! It is the most crassly commercial holiday of the year, and when one is flat-fucking-broke, with no money for presents, no money for a tree, no money for gas to get to the stores, it is soooo depressing. For once, my boss doesn't owe me money; she actually paid me ahead for work I've yet to do. My house looks like a cyclone hit it, because we pulled up 90% of the carpet and discovered the ugliest green and yellow 1970s linoleum underneath in the dining room. So we are going to do the living room floor and dining room separately and hope like hell they blend in the end. At least when it's cold and I bring in the dogs, it's not a major disaster if they have an accident. it's either on the ugliest linoleum known to man or on the slab, so who gives a fuck? I've been getting some of Dina's ADD medicine from her. She sells it for $2 a pill, and I pooled all my change and got 3. It's c0ncert@, which is the same stuff as rit@lin, but you got to go thru all these changes to get at the good shit. I've been snorting it to get motivation to pull this freakin' carpet up, wash the piles of dishes and do laundry. Yesterday I think I did too much b/c I felt like I did when I did too much meth w/ Celynne: yawning, couldn't catch my breath, just felt really weird. So today I made sure I only did one pill. Don't even know the milligrams; it's brown, and you have to peel the coating off, scrape off the waxy shit, break the pill part off the delivery system, crush the white part with a pestle and snort the speed. Works just like the good old pharmaceutical speed I used to love doing back in the 80s. But even pharmaceutical speed can't lift me out of this depressive fog. I need money. I have no idea how to get enough to make Christmas happen, at least not legally, and that's the only option I'll consider. I hate to borrow from my mom; I still owe her $100 from mi hija's birthday. I'm still a month behind on my phone bill and also my truck note. I got a title loan out on it. I owe almost every single friend that I know $20, so personal loans are out of the question. I want to put my head inside a gas oven, but I'm all electric over here. Why does money matter so freakin' much??! Why does my lack of a bank account have so much bearing on my mood and my self-esteem? Deep down I realize that despite living below the poverty line, I'm still a good person. I do the best I can with what I've got, and I try to share all of my meager resources with others. I try to take good care of my pets, even though I know they deserve better. I hate that mi hija has to work so much to buy herself what I wish I could provide for her. I hate that I'm still a financial burden to my mom when I should be helping her. But it shouldn't define my self-worth to the point where I loathe the holidays to this point. I feel so negative and emotionally bankrupt. And the basis of it all is financial. I'm never a big fan of Christmas, but in others years, when I had at least a little money, it wasn't quite as bad. I went through the motions and pasted on a smile and got through it. But everything is such a hurdle to me now. Gabby wants a tree to decorate - more money I don't have. I hate artificial trees, but maybe it's best if I tell them to put up their fake one in their room and that'll be it. If I do that, though, I will have surrendered totally to the black dog of despair that nips at my heels. I got to go down fighting. Maybe there's still time for a miracle for my Christmas. A lot can happen in a week. I just can't give up yet. �
still here - 2009-12-18
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