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bottom of the barrel and still scraping

2003-07-26 - 2:49 p.m.

Yesterday sucked so bad on so many different levels. Mi hija�s father (and I use that term loosely, very loosely) checked out of his hotel and snuck out of town without a) telling her goodbye, and b) leaving her a dime, after telling her he�d give her money before he left. She was so devastated, even though this type of behavior is his calling card. He uses her to validate his self-worth; the fact that he has an honor roll beauty queen daughter makes him feel less of an inadequate human being. But how can one do that to their own flesh and blood? If I inadvertently hurt her in some thoughtless way, it ruins my week. I love her so much I would throw myself in front of a train if I thought that it would save her a moment�s heartache, yet he inflicts it on her himself, repetitively and without remorse. If he were here, I�d kick his ass, or find someone to do it for me. But the coward bailed, as always. My poor baby.

And the Indian called me yesterday out of the fucking blue. Fresh out of rehab, still with the clarity of sobriety in his voice, yet he called from our town�s version of the local crack motel. Wanted to know if I would talk to him. It sliced right through me, hearing his voice on the phone, knowing how much guts it took him to punch out those digits after it ended so badly. I told him I had nothing left to say, that his words and actions this last go-round had managed to do what all the other times had not: hardened my heart against him and any possibility of reconciliation with him ever again. I said that I was sorry, that I wished him well in all endeavors. He said there was no need to apologize, I had nothing to be sorry for. And that was it. I wasn�t worth a shit for the rest of the day after that. Even though I said the right words with my mouth, my heart was still longing for him, to feel again the strength in those strong junkie arms as he pulled me close, his fingers tangling in my hair. What is deficient in me to want someone so damaged? Why isn�t the tie between us severed? It�s buried deep, yet yesterday unearthed it all over again with a single phone call. Why? Why? Why? I thought I was so much stronger than that. I�m disgusted at my emotional response. I just hate myself for this weakness so much. Will it never fade away?

Fl@sh came by after work, and it was obvious from my mood that something was wrong. So I told him about Miguelito and the Indian. He knows them both, knows what the deal is. Tears escaped from my eyes when I told of the phone call from the Indian. He just listened. He knows I got it bad for him, always have, and apparently always will. He tried to distract me with stories, and that didn�t work, then with sex, and that did, momentarily. We did the usual, got a little kinkier than usual, we were both really into it for different reasons. I was seeking oblivion, sexual and otherwise. I took 3 s0ma and he left me some p0t. Drank beer too. Boosey came over to smoke with me and we got drunk as hell. She gave me another s0ma and a p@in pill. I was fucked up. She left about midnight and i crawled into bed with my chihuahuas. Mi hija came in at 1 a.m. and let the basset in the house to sleep with me. I don�t sleep well without my basset hound and my chihuahuas, even though it�s crowded and they get dog grit in the bed.

My truck isn�t going to be ready before Tuesday. That leaves me stranded all wknd. And I�;m broke, completely. Out of pot, beer, s0ma. Total depression envelops my world.

previous - next

still here - 2009-12-18
and so it goes - 2008-12-16
Watch out Benedict! - 2008-01-28
She got hit with the cancer stick - 2008-01-26
The Cure, Amy & Britney & Dogshit - 2008-01-05

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